A Forever Kind of Never
Becoming Women of Worth – Stories of Trauma & Triumph
Published by American Mutt Press
My chapter “A Forever Kind of Never” is an excerpt from the memoir I am currently writing. It is called Given No Choice – The End of a Mother-Daughter Relationship. My memoir is an account of the relationship my adopted, oldest daughter, and I shared. This chapter explains how we became estranged from each other for the very first time. Over many years, our relationship would wax-and-wane until finally the inevitable occurred, and I was given no choice. I found myself forced to write a letter to my daughter, explaining my deepest feelings and why love alone was not enough to keep us together.
There are many reasons for celebration: to announce a graduation, an engagement, a wedding, a new baby. . . . Then, there are the times to cheer when dreams come true: a sailor returns from deployment, a sick relative recovers, a job becomes available. . . . The latter may not have a Hallmark card to send, yet the occasions are special and memorable.
On July 20, I had reason to shout my joy to the world – a dream comes true kind of day. After having written six novels and having been fortunate enough to have at least a dozen of my short stories published, I received a book contract for my seventh novel! No, there are no specific greeting cards for such a dream; in fact, I’m not even sure someone won’t wake me up and tell me it was just that, only a dream. I’m not even sure quite how I should feel or act. Am I an official writer now called author? Should I be practicing my signature for upcoming book signings? Is it safe to start on book two in the series? For now at least, I prefer to call July 20 one of the happiest days of my life. And, as for when the book finally comes out sometime in 2016, well, I hope to have another one of those dream comes true kind of days!
When people ask what I write, I always answer fiction; then, I mumble a caveat, “I’m also working on a memoir.” Why I do this, I don’t know. Is there any writer’s law against writing nonfiction as well as fiction? Is it permissible to write in two entirely different genres?
No doubt, there are major differences in writing a memoir from, say, a short story or a novel. For one thing, a memoir is a reflection on a part or time of one’s life. It focuses on how the narrator was changed from the circumstances incurred. It deals with strong emotions. . .sometimes, even painful feelings that the writer experienced then and, perhaps, even now. Unlike fiction, the events are those that actually happened, the dialogue written from memory, the details recollected as best as they can be.
Yet, like fiction, writing memoir also involves disassociation, where the writer mentally drifts to a different time, a different place. Here is where a writer momentarily saunters into another sphere. . .a place where only the author is allowed to trespass. In this spot, a writer either relives a past life or existence, as in memoir, or visits a place of one’s own created making as in fiction.
Life has a way of calling to writers like a light breeze swaying a pine tree. When a story needs to be told, whether fiction or nonfiction, a true writer will pay heed, will listen closely. The beckoning seems to linger until the call is answered.
At least, this is what happened to me. For several years, I heard that voice, telling me I needed to put my story to paper. Why? Multiple reasons, I say. I needed a physical closure that only a completed memoir could bring. I longed to tell others my story, so that they might benefit from its words. It was time for me to openly and publicly express how my life was changed because of what I had faced.
Certainly, this does not, by any means, mean I will never return to my made-up worlds and created characters. As a writer, I know one thing for sure. I am obligated to listen to life’s call and to follow in whatever genre that might be.
I’ve been thinking lately why it is that I love writing fiction so much. Without a doubt, there is enjoyment in the whole creation process. Developing characters, designing a setting, escalating the tensions that lead to the ultimate conflict. . .all play a part in writing the short story or novel.
But contemplating the question even further, I came to the conclusion that there is no greater “high” then being your own creator. And who better to create then someone who also knows how to control.
Although I like to think that my characters come alive and lead their own lives on the page, if it were not for me, they would never even exist. Perhaps, this is why I sometimes feel a sense of guilt when I put a manuscript-in-process aside for whatever reason. I have the ability to control these lives. . . stop them short if I so desire. Why, I even have the ability to cut out a character if I find he or she just doesn’t quite hack what I’m looking for any longer.
Yes, indeed, it takes a creator to be a fiction writer, but just as importantly, it takes someone who likes being in control.
One characteristic a writer must possess is tenacity. Yes, we have all heard that great writing and being in the right place at the right time helps in getting one’s work published but so, too, does persistence.
My dystopian novel called After Shocks has been in the “works” off-and-on for almost two years. A special thanks to all of those who have encouraged me to complete it. My feverish determination once again has paid off.
Not only has a chapter excerpt from my book been published in the anthology “Perfect Flaw,” but today I have heard news that another chapter excerpt has been accepted for publication. The twenty chosen stories will be collected and published as a dystopian narrative. In addition, the book will be performed as a stage production.
As writers, we all need to have our faith restored in the work we do. I have just experienced that magical moment.
“To sit patiently with a yearning that has not yet been fulfilled, and to trust that, that fulfillment will come, is quite possibly one of the most powerful “magic skills” that human beings are capable of.”
Elizabeth Gilbert (born 1969);
“What’s a nice girl like you doing writing horror short stories?” I’m asked, many times. The answer is as difficult to formulate as it is easy.
Well, let’s see. . . . The binary opposite of good is evil, and the binary opposite of light is dark. If we are to agree that one can’t exist unless the other does, it might come closer to explaining my interest in horror.
I caution to add that just because my characters choose the dark and often frightening paths, it does not imply that their writer must do the same. Maybe another way of putting this is I allow my characters total free will. Ah, there we go again with the so-called good–the ability to choose right from wrong, virtue from sin.
The latter is true in my recently published short story “The Pack” published in the anthology Ugly Babies 2, where Hannah chooses to go into the woods after six p.m., looking for her run-away dog. This is a choice she makes against the better judgment of her husband and the security guard at Timber Lodge. Is it any wonder then that she must pay the consequence?
Other times, it’s only a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as when the gargoyle in my short story “In the Shadow of the Square” (the Were Traveler) suddenly and unexpected falls from his pinnacle atop the cathedral and lands in St. Mark’s Square in Venice.
Life is life. We hear the expression, “Bad things happen to good people,” meaning that often things are out of our control. Life isn’t always fair for us or for characters.
The world is far from a perfect place, and until it is, horror will continue to take place both realistically and in fiction.
The idea for my story came from my daughter who is working on her doctorate in neuro-psych. Years ago, there was a mental hospital called Eloise in Detroit. I began to search for some old pictures of the asylum to prepare myself for the mood of the story. Once I had my protagonist and my setting, I was ready to find my antagonist who actually came to me quite easily: a psychotic schizophrenic patient, named Damien, accused of murdering one of the nurses at the asylum. Of course, Damien blames the occurrence on Miles, a voice that speaks to him. I wanted to end “Interview with a Patient – #0494772″ with a horrifying twist. Shared Psychotic Disorder, also known as “the folly of two,” whereby a normal person begins to share in the delusions of the psychotic person provided me with the exact closure I was looking for.
My short story, “Tomorrow’s Children,” is an excerpt from a dystopian novel I have just completed. The first book in the trilogy is called After Shocks and explores life after a 9.8 earthquake has hit California, severing the Monterey Peninsula into the middle of the Pacific. The year is 2091, thirteen years after the quake has hit, and an oppressive form of government has taken control of the island. In “Tomorrow’s Children,” women are being forced to take their children to a Cryopreservation Center, where they will be frozen until further notice in efforts to control population control.
A few years ago, I read Margaret Atwood’s classic The Handmaid’s Tale while soon afterward vacationing in Monterey. At the same time, I was working on a thesis for my Master of Fine Arts when the chilling question came to me: What if a natural disaster had struck on the very land on which I had stood and had washed it out to sea?
As a writer, I have an underlying inclination toward dark themes. My writing style also deliberately looks for the twists in plot that add a multitude of tensions for my characters. It is then that I set them free, so-to-speak, and watch as they find ways to cope or not cope with life’s tribulations. I see myself as a scribe who quickly types up the dialogues and inner monologues of my characters, who I prefer to refer to as people, and often say, that if I were to see any of them on the street, I would recognize them immediately.
I was not content to write about just any island that floated into the Pacific, however. I wanted a whole new society to form and all of the ramifications thereof. At first, these were people glad to be alive, but in no time, as human nature will have it when there are no rules and guidelines to live by, the people started to turn on one another. A group of former military men from what was the Naval Postgraduate School, as well as some soldiers from what was the Presidio of Monterey, and several former police officers formed the National Association of Patrolling Officers, the NAPOS. In an effort to force the people to forget the origins from which they came, the Napocracy changed the people’s former names to that of stars and constellations; changed the names of the seasons; came up with codes, similar to laws, such as the Anti-Conception Law; and instituted such agencies as the Euthanasia Home, the Assisted Suicide Center, and the Cryopreservation Center.
“Tomorrow’s Children” seemed an apt name for the title of my short story as it reflects the uneasiness among the people of the island, called Domicile, as they wait in hope for a tomorrow in which their children will be thawed.